


Life Came Tumbling Down

by lukeinallhisglory



Series: Cake [3]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Unrequited Love, Years Later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 08:49:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4953991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lukeinallhisglory/pseuds/lukeinallhisglory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where the boys are older, and though Calum was honest with Luke, Luke never really figured his shit out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life Came Tumbling Down

**Author's Note:**

> This one has been quite a while in the making, and I'm not entirely happy with it, but even so I think it's time I upload something. So I don't own them...Their sexuality is their business...Blah, blah, blah.  
> Title from "stones around the sun" by Lewis Watson  
> Enjoy xx

Calum was always the center of my attention.  He had girlfriends, and I had girlfriends, and then he had boyfriends and I had more girlfriends, but it was always Calum.  And as far as I could tell, it went both ways. 

The thought of pushing Calum down on my bed, stripping him down, and making him writhe underneath me was only because we spent so much time together.  Just hormones.  It’s ridiculous to think that I would really do that.  I’m not gay.  Just because Calum came out, doesn’t mean anything about me.  We’re not the same person; we’re not a couple. 

And yes, sometimes when Calum introduced us to a boyfriend he really liked, I made an effort to dislike him, but the reasoning behind that is complicated. 

We sat around a table in a nice restaurant, all in nicer clothing that we were used to, the three of us, waiting for Calum and his boyfriend to arrive.  The ripped black skinny jeans and band tees of a few years past were missing.  No one’s hair was highlighted, dyed or growing wild.  The piercings were the only aesthetic remnants of who we used to be, and even some of them seemed not to mean what they used to. “Do you think they want to get married?” Ashton broke the silence, making Michael and I both snap to attention. 

“And that’s why he wants us to meet him, after all this time?” Michael added. 

“Yeah.” I finished our group thought.  Michael looked at me, his green eyes brimming with questions.  “What?” I sighed, giving in. 

“Do you still love him?”

“Who?”

“Calum.”

I was silent for a long moment.  “He’s got a boyfriend.”

Michael didn’t say anything, didn’t want to push me.  “But you did? Do you like guys, now?” Ashton asked softly. 

I felt tears burning behind my eyes, answering my own questions about how I was dealing with this.  I forced an insincere smile.  “Just one so far,” I mumbled, tugging a hand through my hair. 

“You can’t let him get married to someone else,” Michael piped up. 

“We don’t know he’s getting married.” Ashton murmured, grimacing.

“I can’t tell him that after all that fuss about “I’m not gay.  I don’t like guys,” that I am, and I do, and it’s him.” I shook my head.

“Luke…” Ashton looked like he wanted to say something, but was afraid that I couldn’t handle it.

“It’s been 10 fucking years of loving him.  5 since I realized that the feeling was _love_ and not just friendship.  It’s been a year since the last time I saw him.  A month since we’ve talked.”

“But you two were so perfect together,” Michael argued.

“You didn't hear some of the things that I said to him.” I chuckled bitterly. 

“I mean even as friends.”

“Yeah, well he hasn’t really been able to forgive me for everything I did, but honestly it’s better that way because I can’t stand to be around him.”

“No?” A softened voice asked and I whipped around to see Calum standing behind me.  I stood, my mouth hanging opened, unable to respond.  His jaw was set harshly, mirroring an on the brink look that I knew I was giving him right back.

“Cal…”

“I get it, Lukey.  You can’t face me, knowing what I want from you.” 

“Calum, I don’t-“ Tears welled up in my eyes and I did my best not to collapse with the effort of seeing him and looking like I was ok.  

“I know.  You don’t feel the same way.  I remember,” he said bitterly.

“Where’s Jake?” Ashton intervened before I could start crying. 

“We broke up.”

“You did?” I asked, feeling a tightness in my chest lessen just a little. 

“We thought you wanted to marry him,” Michael grinned, standing to hug Calum. 

They hugged and Calum stood back with a sigh.  “He wanted to marry me.”

“But you didn’t?” Ashton asked, standing and hugging him too. 

“I can’t.” Calum hovered in front of me and, as if in slow motion, I stepped forward.

“Calum,” I started, but I didn’t know how I was going to explain it, so I stopped. 

“I’ve missed you like crazy, Luke,” he murmured, wrapping his arms around my torso and pulling me against him. 

I hugged him back, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and holding him there.  Maybe this was a slightly more intense hug than we were meant to share, but it was all we could do to convey to each other what we were thinking.  “I need to explain myself,” I declared as he pulled away.  

“You don’t have to.  We’ve been over all that.”

“I have to say this,” I gestured to the door and Calum sighed. 

“Fine.  If there’s something you need to say, then fine.”

We walked outside and Calum sat down on a bench, watching me pace a bit.  “If I throw up, just know it’s because this is really hard for me.” I warned. 

“Ok.”

“I lied when I said I don’t like boys.”

“Figured that, Luke,” Calum rolled his eyes. 

“And I lied when I said that I didn’t think of you that way.”  This time he didn’t say anything.  “And I lied when I said I didn’t love you.”  Still nothing. 

He was silent for a moment, glaring at me, his mouth hanging opened.  “How could you do that to me?” He screamed.  

“I didn’t-“  I was finally crying now, shocked by his rage.  

“How could you look me in the eye and say, “No, Calum I don’t love you.  I don’t love you!  I don’t love you, I don’t.  I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you!” all those fucking times!?” He stood up, stepping towards me angrily, tears spilling down his cheeks.

“I couldn’t admit my sexuality to myself! You wanted me to tell you? How was I supposed to do that?”

“I trusted you with mine.  I loved you enough for that.”

“Not _loved_ , Calum.  Come on, it’s not gone, is it?  I haven’t seen you in a year, and the second you walked in…I still love you.”

“You don’t have the right, Luke!  You have no right to claim me as yours to love after everything you said.”

“I’m not claiming you, Cal! I’m begging you.” My heart pounded violently in my chest as I waited for him to answer.  I moved closer, one hand resting on his waist and the other reaching up to wipe his tears. 

He took a shaky, double breath under my touch and I moved even closer.  “Please don’t,” he begged, closing his eyes. 

“I’m not doing anything,” I smiled. 

He chuckled through his tears, rolling his eyes.  “Don’t kiss me, Luke.”

“A bit conceded to assume I was about to.” I let my second hand fall to his waist, pressing us closer.

He framed my face with his hands and pulled my lips down to his, wrapping his arms around my neck.  His lips were warm and soft and a little wet with tears, but suddenly I wanted to do nothing but kiss him.  He was kissing me deeply, tugging me against him, whimpering softly and running his hands over my neck and through my hair.  We stood like that, making out heatedly, for far too long.  My shaking hands claimed the dip of his waist and the curve of the small of his back, and I finally felt right, after so many years of feeling so utterly wrong. 

“Calum,” I whined when he pulled back with an obscene smooching sound, tugging at my bottom lip.“I-I-I didn't..." I stuttered, my stomach doing flips, blood rushing in my ears.  

"You didn't what, sweetheart?" Calum murmured, stroking my hair.  

"I was so horrible to you.  I called you so many awful things, and you didn't deserve all that."

"For a while I thought you hated me for being gay, or for liking you, or both.  I wasn't even sure if you'd come tonight."

"I was drowning without you," I murmured, gripping him tighter to me.  

"Me too, Lukey."

"I never wanted to hurt you.  I just couldn't handle what I did want."

“You’re what I want,” Calum murmured, his fingers dragging down my arms.  “I’ve been waiting for 10 years to kiss you.  I don’t care about everything that was said last year.  This is all I want.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing seemed adequate in the moment.  I didn’t know how to express how very sorry I was for everything that I put him through.  I didn’t know if he wanted me to apologize, or agree or just kiss him again. I didn’t know, and so I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t have to.  “No guilt anymore, ok?  I don’t want you to think you have to make it up to me.  You did your best, and I get it.” Calum murmured, pressing our foreheads together. 

"Calum Hood, I know I denied it for 5 years, but I fucking love you.  I have never loved anyone else because I've been in love with you since I was 16.  Probably longer."

"I love you, too."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. If you want to follow me under the same name on Tumblr or Wattpad, that would be great. Please leave a comment if you liked it, or hated it.


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